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  • Javier Coronel

Shaky Confidence

This article I'll be writing today is similar to the previous one but from a slightly different angle. Something I have been wanting to explore in the last few months is finding the reason for the decreasing confidence that I have been feeling lately. I've put a lot of thought into this and while I don't have a concrete answer, I think I'm slowly getting there.


I recently came across a video on Tik Tok (don't hate me) that spoke about this. It was from a very sweet woman who was on a very scenic hike on some mountain in Europe. As she continued her trek she began to discuss how she's noticed a difference in her confidence. She went on to elaborate and it's something that really resonated with me. She said that when you are living in a time where you lack confidence, the source may be that you're changing. Evolving. Entering a new chapter of your life. The death of your ego leaves you feeling vulnerable which in turn affects your confidence. You start to feel that you have less of a grasp on yourself and who you are. I don't want to call it an identity crisis because it's not but the rattling of your foundation shakes the roof that is your confidence. It can come gradually like the waves that kiss the sand on a beach or all at once like a hurricane.


This 20-second video has stuck with me ever since. It's done such a good job of describing my current predicament. It's not necessarily that I've lost sight of who I am as a person but the idea of my waning confidence originating from change is so on target. In the last year I've lived in four cities (three of which had over 2 million people and I knew 0 people), have now moved to an entirely new part of the country where I once again know absolutely no one, and have had life-changing experiences that have shifted my perspective on certain things in the world, and more!


As I sit in my new apartment completely alone and with no furniture except the current lawn chair I bought just days ago to have something to sit on, I'm welcomed by my thoughts. I'm beginning to question whether it was the right decision to move here. I'm questioning whether I'll ever be in a relationship. I'm questioning if I'll ever stop being so concerned about my personal finances. I'm questioning a lot but deep down I know that I can't let these thoughts affect me. Early on in life, I had a conversation with my sister where I discussed how I don't want an ordinary life. I don't want a straight path from beginning to end. I want a life that if I were to take someone through they'd be at a loss of words by the end of it. I feel like I've been doing a good job at achieving that which makes me happy but I can't help but have some negative feelings on occasion in relation to the very turns that I've been seeking.


The death of my ego has been heavy, to say the least. I know that every year I evolve as a person and I'm fully aware I'm not a perfect person nor do I think I ever will be. I'm often haunted by the statements a few people have told me where they let me know they look up to me and that I inspire them because I don't feel worthy of that recognition. A common misconception is that I have everything put together but the reality is I don't. I'm just better than most at adapting to situations and working under pressure.


I apologize for this article being all over the place but I want to thank you if you actually read through all of it. It hasn't been easy for me lately but I'm sharing this with you so that if you're experiencing similar things you don't feel as lost and alone as I do. I think part of it is typical "in your 20s" but another part of it is the times I look out into the world and wonder if I'll ever find my place in it. I can't say I ever will but I really hope I do and I hope you do too.


If you're ever feeling lost in life please feel free to refer to this article. You got this. I believe in you.


With love,


JC

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